More Ass Cred Revels And Patience

Urgh.

Urgh.

URRRRRGGHGGGGHHH.

I'm so fucking bored of ACR. It's such a fucking chore to play it, I sat down in order to finish the city renovation, why he can't get his little minions to do I have no idea, and it just takes ages. I now have enough money to fund an entire Antarctic Expedition and a space program. 

WHY DO I HAVE TO DO IT???? WHY?

And another thing, why do the fans of Ass Cred have such a huge love for the game, nothing is perfect. They say, "oh the free running is the best" well thats only because you either do it meh or its shite, "the combats flawless" no. ITS TOO EASY! and my favorite "Ezio is so funny/emotional/cool/etc" no. EZIO IS THE BALL SWEAT OF THE "STEALTH" GENRE. IS ASS CRED A STEALTH GAME? 

LOOK IT EVEN ENDORSES STABBINGS AND RAPE

NO.

DON'T, ASS CRED SAY IT IS.

You Cunts.

Assassins Creed Revelations - More like "Ass Cred Revels and Patience"

Assassins Creed Revelations - More like "Ass Cred Revels and Patience" 

*Standard joke about intro music*

Can I make this clear, I really like Ass Cred, I do, but it is just the most broken game of all time - I mean nothing they have done has been done well.

1. Combat - too easy, they just add more people to kill, there are 4 types of enemy which can be put into 2 groups (not counting boss fights) a. heavy, b. halberd, c. Quick bastards d. standard shit enemy. The enemies don't get harder to kill, there are just too many of them. They box you into a corner and you have to fight your way out or just run up a wall, and inevitable get stuck on a little bit of wood or something.

2. Free running - yeah, on a base, superficial level it's great. It is, you run, you jump, you run then jump, what more could you ask for? Well, in all the Ass Cred games, a fucking lot more. Sometimes Ezio Auditore de Firenze will just jump left when you point forwards. WHICH PISSES ME OFF. And everything just fits in nicely, too nicely, the cities are just copied and pasted cities from previous games i.e. Istanbul and Rome but just with different colours and filters, they are all the same, same windows, walls, roof things. AND WHY CAN YOU JUMP OFF A WATCH TOWER INTO A BALE OF HAY AND NOT BREAK EVERY SINGLE BONE IN YOUR BODY?

3. Story and Characters - the story is always shite, ooh look, conspiracy. No, that's just you being a pretentious bellend. The characters are just so irritating I want to punch myself until they stop their dreary spiel about some shite which I don't care about. That's all I can manage without throttling myself.

4. Den Defense - this is a "stealth" game, fuck off Ubisoft.

5. "Stealth" game - where is the stealth? Where, oh I see. In the corner, quivering beneath your huge meaty cock as you butt fuck it, trying to ruin all remnants of stealth from the gaming industry. If people find Ass Cred Revels and Pateince (and you will need revels to feed you and lots of patience because the cut scenes and loading times are long and boring) and think, this is a stealth game, I will be sad for the Human Race. They make the stealth optional, for the 100% sync weirdos, why not make it compulsory? 

In short, it is fun, the free running is cool, the deaths just get better and better, but there are flaws, i don't have enough time or effort or will power to go through them all. Buy it, play it, play it again, and again, and again. I know I will, seriously, it won't waste your time. 

Unless your game experience is ruined by a few nit picks. 

You would hate a Planet Of The Apes game then.

P.s. monkeys and apes eat each others fleas if you didn't get that joke.

Halo 4 - not a happy sight

Yet another review/rant/rant-review, this time: HALO 4

*Intro Music*

Halo has always been a part of my gaming life- possible because it was the only game my brothers actually owned for a long period of time. So here we are, Halo 4. Halo has come a long way since the first - with incredible graphics, better sounds effects and more screen time for the sexy Cortanna. 

From the off, Halo 4 is a fast paced action game that is the equivalent of a "Die Hard" movie - Master Chief is thrown into a story he does not want to be a part of yet still saves the day and the world. In Halo 9 he better have a cane and say "Fuck It I'm going home now" and just leaves and lets the other troops battle it out in increasingly copied and pasted worlds from COD. 

He is thrown into the story and he doesn't want to be there, he doesn't know what is going on - that makes two of us - and is jumping around shooting the Covenant (YAY!) but also fighting some AI thing that just pisses me off. It is an original idea for an enemy but just a strained over done enemy, then some shit happens. More shit, a space battle and then its over. So unsatisfactuary I had to play it again to make sure it was the correct game and I hadn't missed some missions out, it was bad. 
The first campaign run through was brilliant - only because I was in awe of Master Chief - but then it dawned on me. Halo 4 was not a complete game - sure it has lots to do - but it was only running off the name. It sold because it is a Halo game. 

343 are trying to turn Halo into COD:  more cover, no health bar (only shield) less insane guns lying about the place, muddled story and no ability to go "skitz" and run around tea bagging anyone who looks at you funny. I don't like it, I was going through a level and it hit me, literally - the fuel rod cannon nearly killed me - and I realized  
"Why can't I have that?" "Wheres Mine?" "GIMME GIMME GIMME (a Cannon after midnight)". A part of a mission in which some shit happens for no reason and then you are expected to do some shit in a building for no reason, and shit, so yeah. You are given a sniper (COD) and then are sent into some facility expected to snipe people. 
NO, I DO NOT WANT TO SNIPE I WANT TO RUN UP SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER AND BLASPHEMY AND SHOOT THE ALIENS IN THE TITS, AND I HAD TO SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD FROM HALF A MILE AWAY! CHALLENGE? 

The characters are good - to an extent - Cortanna is going ape shit and that's as far as the characterization  goes. The online gets boring after 3 days - 9 hours - and then its "Samey" the "SWAT" mode though is very good. 
Now, Forge, huge boots from Halo Reach (in my view one of the best Halo Games) and it filled them. Half full. Really, its easy to do, it's fun to play on maps you create - but the maps you build on are shite. Ragnarok is a remake of Valhalla (Halo 3) which is inspired from Coagulation which is inspired from Blood Gulch. 
Why not a remake of Forge map - so aptly named - from Reach? 

Sparton Ops. They look fun, but I am not going to download the online and forge mode (two massive chunks of the game) to download Sparton Ops. 
FUCK OFF 343. FUCK OFF! Sparton Ops looks good, like the campaign did, and that was disapointing, so Sparton Ops could be shit too.

In short, buy it, go ahead. But don't get your hopes up, please don't. It will disappoint, unless you only want something to compare COD too, and then it isn't really worth it then. Stick to 1, 2, 3 and Reach. Even Halo 3 ODST, the most un-Master Chief experience since getting shot in the foot and going home is a better buy - as it is dirt cheap - and you have to think about your enemies rather than jumping in the air with the biggest gun in the game shouting LEEEEE ROOOOOY JJEEEEEEHHHNKKHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNSSSSSS. Unlike in Halo 4.

So, 343. Piss off back to "dulls-ville" and try and do the next COD game, I am sure you would fare better there. 

Change Of Direction

Well then, a change of direction. No longer shall I be the not very philosiphical wannabe that I was, I shall be something else entirely, something a whole lot more exciting, I am becoming a game reviewer.

*Cue intro song*

Yes, Gandalf the Gamer here, I must say I'm less of a proper hardcore game more of a recreational user and Xbox n00b. I have a very traditional attitude to gaming. The campaign comes first, then extras, then campaign again. No online. No Xbox live. None of It. Some times. So of I were to review any COD game it would probably a short and embarrassing review in which I try to be clever and funny by pointing out the american attitudes to war and patriotism.

And on that note, I shall tell you my first game choice. Tom "So American You Can Imagine Every Character Shouting "Yes-Haw" Every Minute" Clancy's Hawx. Hawx is a game for people who had a flight simulator game as a child and was shit. This is that but If you are shit at this you are privacy still that child. It's not hard, just follow the mission parameters and your fine.

The only complex bit is when the flaps pack it in and you crash into the sea. Yeah, you as a pilot don't have a parachute as well  So you get shot, you carry on flying till you die, all to save 'Murica. Why you can't even pull an escape lever and are allowed to fly the most expensive thing in the military Is beyond me. The characters are horribly cheesy and I was disappointed by the little references to "Top Gun" there were, except "Lets show them who the top guns are" said by your comrades. Every bloody dog fight.

Some cool missions but repetitive game play - what do you accept from a combat flight simulator, you fly a plane, and that is it. What about online I hear you ask? Well, if you are prepared o wait for the 7 other people in the world who are playing to choose their planes I'm sure the game play wouldn't be any different. It's fun, but repetitive, however there is a good replay value, as odd as it sounds.

A good solid game, don't expect miracles in graphics, music or character development, or story line, or online, or even not over compensating for lack of manliness.

Much like COD then.